# Weight of the World

According to this report, the Earth’s mass (M⊕) is

5,972,190,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms

You might notice that there are an awful lot of zeros in that number. That’s because the report doesn’t actually directly specify the Earth’s mass. Like a lot of astronomical papers, it instead uses the Earth’s gravitational parameter, which is the Earth’s mass multiplied by the Newtonian gravitational constant. You see, when it comes to gravity, the force is ultimately determined by the gravitational parameter, rather than directly by the mass. As a result, the gravitational parameter is, as a rule, known to much higher accuracy than the mass. Newton’s gravitational constant is hard to measure, since it’s so tiny, so the report only gives it to six significant digits. So six significant digits is what I gave for the Earth’s mass.

I imagine you’re wondering why the hell I’m talking about all this. Well, I was thinking about planets, whose masses are very often measured in Earth masses. That made me wonder what the mass of say, a person, is, compared to the mass of the Earth. So, without further nonsense, here’s my big list of random objects measured in Earth masses. (I probably need to come up with a better name.)

2.78045 × 10-51 M⊕ : Hydrogen atom.

1.13926 × 10-24 M⊕ : a dumbbell

2.279 × 10-23 M⊕ : me

1.674 × 10-22 M⊕ : my car

7.023 × 10-20 M: the International Space Station

9.878 × 10-16 M⊕ : the Great Pyramid of Giza

1.671 × 10-12 M : Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko

8.620 × 10-7 M⊕ (not quite a millionth): The Earth’s atmosphere

4.470 × 10-5 M : asteroid 4 Vesta.

1.590 × 10-4 M : asteroid 1 Ceres (the largest in the solar system)

2.344 × 10-4 M (two ten thousandths and change): the Earth’s oceans

0.00219 M⊕ : Pluto

0.0123 M⊕ : the Moon

0.0552 M: Mercury

0.107 M: Mars (I always forget how small Mars actually is…)

0.815 M⊕ : Venus (Venus was my second-favorite planet as a kid, after Pluto, which was still a planet back then)

1.000 M⊕ : Earth (Might as well stick it in the list…)

10 M: Planet Nine (Lower bound. If it exists.)

14.536 M⊕ : the mass of Uranus (I still think it’s funny…)

17.148 M⊕ : Neptune

95.161 M⊕ : Saturn

317.828 M⊕ :  Jupiter

332,949 M⊕ : the Sun (1 solar mass, 1 M. Guess who finally learned how to do subscripts!)

26,600 M⊕ : the mass of TRAPPIST-1, which is significant for being one of the smallest stars ever observed, for having seven rocky planets, and for having three planets in its habitable zone. If there’s radio-communicating life on one of them, and we send a message right now, some of you might still be alive if we get the response. Not me. I’d be 98, and I suspect I’m gonna fall into a vat of curry or something stupid like that before then.

672,600 M⊕ : Sirius A, the brightest star in the sky (besides the Sun, obviously)

710,850 M⊕ : Vega, a fairly bright nearby star distorted into a lozenge shape by its rapid rotation.

1,270,000 M⊕ : Alcyone, the brightest star in the Pleiades

2,830,000 M⊕ : UY Scuti, a likely candidate for the largest known star as of March 2017. It’s around 1,700 times the diameter of the Sun, and if you placed it where the Sun is, it’d engulf Jupiter and come close to engulfing Saturn.

3,862,000 M⊕ : Betelgeuse, the bright reddish star on the shoulder of Orion (cue Rutger Hauer.) It’s also an enormous, lumpy star. If you put it where the Sun is, it’d reach at least as far as the orbit of Mars.

33,295,000 M⊕ : the larger component of Eta Carinae, an enormous, extremely bright, angry multiple star that’s so massive and so hot that it’s vomiting its own guts into space and making a pretty nebula in the process.

38,622,000 M: the poetically-named NGC 3603-A1. With 116 times the Sun’s mass, this is the largest star (as of March 2017, blah blah blah) whose mass is known with any certainty. There are other stars predicted to be more massive, but while their masses are estimated from models of stellar evolution, NGC 3603-A1’s mass is inferred from the orbital period of it and its binary companion, which is much more precise and less guess-y.

2.331 × 1015 M: the mass of the Small Magellanic Cloud, one of the Milky Way’s small galactic neighbors.

2.830 × 1017 M: the mass of our Milky Way galaxy (roughly).

4.994 × 1017 M: the mass of the Andromeda galaxy (roughly).

1.647 × 1028 M: mass of ordinary matter in the observable universe (atoms and other familiar stuff) (very roughly)

3.349 × 1029 M: mass of the observable universe, including weird stuff like dark matter and dark energy (very roughly)

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# Things you don’t want to hear after brain surgery.

“Arnold Schwarzenegger can no longer use that quote from Kindergarten Cop on you.”

“Your skull appears to be filled entirely with superballs.”

“We opened your skull and found another, smaller head. We’re afraid to touch that one.”

“When we exposed the brain, it emitted a ticking sound and several of the nurses vomited.”

“The tumor contained more neurons than the brain, so we removed the brain.”

“You know when you go pick a strawberry fresh and you bite into it and it turns out there was a maggot living inside it? That’s the kind of afternoon I’ve had.”

“I’ve seen vibrators get lodged in some strange places, but…”

“I kept a piece for my trophy room.”

“You’ve actually only got one neuron, but it’s really big.”

“Your temporal lobe looked exactly like my mother. I was too creeped out to finish the surgery.”

“The tumor pulled the scalpel out of my hand and fired it at my assistant. I am classifying this tumor as ‘inoperable.'”

“Well, ants are known for their ability to build nests in hard-to-reach places.”

“Your left hemisphere is normal. Your right hemisphere appears to be a slab of smoked ham.”

“…and I thought ‘I’m really tired of waiting for the brain-computer interface people to get funding,’ so I decided it was time to be proactive…”

“Instead of neurons, you have tiny vacuum tubes.”

“When I reached in to feel the margins of the tumor, something bit me.”

“To answer your second question, I became a neurologist because it was the only way I could slice up peoples’ brains without going to jail.”

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