short, silly

Halloween Hypotheticals (probably NSFW)

  • Is lycanthropy sexually transmissible? In the movies, if you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf. So if you have sex with a werewolf, do you become a werewolf? Can this be prevented by condoms or similar? Can you catch lycanthropy having sex with a werewolf if they’re in human form, or is it just when they’re in wolf form?
  • For that matter, can you catch lycanthropy from a werewolf in human form in general? What if a human-form werewolf gets high on meth and bites you? Do you catch it then?
  • What wavelengths in sunlight are vampires actually sensitive to? In general, they seem to be more or less okay with artificial lighting (candles, light bulbs, etc.). Is it ultraviolet? It seems like it’d be ultraviolet. Could you ditch the strings of garlic and protect your house with a blacklight in the foyer?
  • I always assumed vampires had hollow fangs they used to siphon blood out like hypodermics. Apparently, that’s a minority view. Do they just make puncture-holes and then suck the blood out with their mouths? I guess that makes sense, but on the other hand: vampire hickeys.
  • Exactly how full does the moon have to be for a werewolf to transform? Is there a range? Do they turn into wolves whenever the disk is more than 95% illuminated? Or is it just a once-a-month cycle, like a menstrual period or a fast-food chain releasing a bad chicken sandwich?
  • Legally-speaking, what’s the relationship between Dr. Frankenstein and the monster? Does the monster count as his son? Is the monster his dependent, for tax purposes? Could the monster theoretically inherit Frankenstein’s estate? Do the next-of-kin of the people whose graves Frankenstein robbed get part of the estate? Are they technically related to the monster?
  • Do you read Sutter Cane?
  • I’ve heard people make a big deal of the fact that, in The Thing (1982), an Antarctic research station has a flamethrower. Frankly, though, if I was stuck inside all day, facing months of darkness, and with access to a machine shop, a flamethrower is probably the first thing I’d build.
  • If vampires don’t show up in mirrors, what other weird optical properties do they have? Can they be recorded on film? What about digital image sensors? Can you X-ray a vampire? Are they transparent to neutrinos? Are they visible in the infra-red?
  • Have you read Peter Watts’s Blindsight? Because you probably should.
  • If the ancient Romans stole a valuable item from an ancient Egyptian tomb, and then a modern person stole that item from an ancient Roman crypt, would the person be cursed by the vengeful spirits of ancient Egypt and ancient Rome?
  • We already have sexy vampire costumes, sexy cat costumes, sexy cheerleader costumes, sexy police-officer costumes… Let’s expand! Sexy firefighters! Sexy elevator technicians! Sexy welders! Sexy coal miners! Sexy astronauts!
  • What if a werewolf moved to a colony on the Moon? When would they transform? And why hasn’t anybody made that movie yet?
  • Richard Matheson kind of beat me to this one, but: are vampires only repelled by crucifixes, or is it all religious symbols? Could you repel a vampire with a Star of David? With Islamic calligraphy? With a statute of Buddha? A carving of Mj√∂lnir? A well-written essay on agnosticism?
  • Is it just the stab to the heart that kills the vampire, or does it absolutely have to be a wooden stake? Or could you just kill a vampire with an icepick or a knife or something?
  • What if you blew a vampire up with dynamite? Would that kill them permanently?
  • At what point in humanity’s evolutionary history did we become susceptible to vampirism? Were there vampire Homo habilis two million years ago? Can chimpanzees become vampires? Gorillas? Bonobos? Babboons?
  • You never see werewolves in wolf-form doing ordinary canine things. They’re always roaring and howling loping and eating people. You never see them sneezing or pooping or scratching their ears or eating grass for indigestion or sniffing people’s groins or doing that weird friendly face-biting thing that regular wolves do with each other.
  • How specific is a vampire’s sensitivity to garlic? Are they only repelled by Allium sativum, or could you repel them with shallots? Does it still work if the garlic is cooked? Could you use garlic salt?
  • What would’ve happened if the car in Christine ran out of gas on its way somewhere?
  • How come we never got our movie adaptation of The Long Walk? I was kinda looking forward to that.
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