physics, silly

Diets

The 5/2 Diet: Eat as you normally would five days out of the week. Fast (consume no more than 500 Calories) the other two days.

The “Ketosis Diet”: Eat no more than 1200 Calories per day.

The Michael Phelps: Eat no fewer than 12,000 Calories per day.

The ultra-python: Eat normally until age 18. Then, eat 95,000 club sandwiches (36,000 kilograms, 45,291,000 Calories). Fast until age 80.

The that’s-not-how-that-works diet: Eat normally. Following every meal, eat 5 grams of Americium-241. Mix with water or orange juice if desired. Continue until you develop a mutation which allows you to harness radiation directly as an energy source.

The gluten-free-free diet: Not only are you forbidden from eating foods that don’t contain gluten, you must eat lab-grade purified wheat gluten for every meal. Variation: For sufferers of Celiac disease, you may substitute wheat gluten.

The that’s-also-not-how-that-works diet: From Monday to Sunday, you are only permitted to drink that coffee that they dig out of cat poop. On Sunday, eat 134 bananas, in order to reach an average of 2,000 Calories per day.

The Nibbler: Eat four 250-Calorie meals spaced evenly throughout the day. Eat 10 50-calorie snacks, similarly spaced. One of your snacks must be a large pebble.

The Extreme Nibbler: Eat the following meals on a repeating cycle: 10 milligrams sirloin steak, 20 milligrams potato, 100 milligrams spinach. Eat one meal per second throughout the day. If you require sleep, hire a patient Irishman to feed you your meals during the night.

The Heat Death:
Week 1: Eat 2,000 Calories per day. Your Calories should consist of 40% protein, 40% carbohydrates, and 20% fat.
Week 2: Eat 1,500 Calories per day. Your Calories should be divided the same as before.
Week 3: Eat 750 Calories per day. Your Calories should consist of 50% protein, 40% carbohydrates, and 10% fat.

Week 520 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000: Consume radio photon per day. You may consume any photon you like, as long as its wavelength is in the VLF band or lower. If you find this step difficult, you may consume a single lepton once per week. If you can find one anywhere in the diluted, pitch-black expanse.

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