Things you don’t want to hear in a job interview.

“Now, would you say that you contain more or less than 10,000 Calories?”

“Pee in this cup. Now drink it.”

“Interviewing you is part of my interview. I’ve been here 30 years. Send help.”

“It’s not that high a voltage. You don’t really even feel it after the second week.”

“Where do you see yourself in five years? If you said ‘A shallow grave,’ you’re right!”

“If you do good work for the first six months, you’re automatically upgraded to an office with a window. If you make it two weeks, then you get a door, too.”

“To gain the CEO’s power, you must eat his heart.”

“Which of your organs would you classify as ‘vital’?”

“If you need to use the bathroom, go out of the interview room, turn left, and you’ll see two doors. One of them leads to the bathroom. The other leads directly into the mouth of Tlarthost the Insatiable. Good luck.”

“I see on your application you listed no next-of-kin. That’s good. Means our agents are doing their job.”

“It’s just a standard personality test. What you do is you take the spiders and you cross-sort them, first by length of fangs and then by toxicity of venom.”

“We don’t have any positions available. I just really like interviewing people.”

“There are only two absolute requirements to work here: drug testing four times a year, and the ability to detect carbon monoxide at sublethal concentrations.”

“Got your nose! If you can get it back in under five minutes, you’re hired.”

“Look, I know we’re kind of in the middle of something, but do you mind looking at this rash?”

“Would you describe your clothing and/or body hair as ‘mostly flammable’ or ‘mostly non-flammable’?”

“I think you’ve got a bright future here. With a spleen that size, you can host four, maybe five larvae.”

“Imagine you’re in a boat with a sheep, a wolf, and a cabbage. Because this company doesn’t do cubicles.”

“Don’t mind the screaming. That’s just the janitor.”

“As part of the downsizing, we’ve had to cut back on air pressure at most of our offices.”

“We ask for a minimum of forty hours a week, as measured by an observer at an infinite distance from the event horizon.”

“I see you didn’t list a blood type on your application. You might want to fill that in before orientation. Just a suggestion.”

“Well, we use lots of different metrics to assess potential employees. Skin elasticity is only one of them.”

“On a scale from one to ten, one being the lowest, rate your susceptibility to dengue fever.”

“If you hear a hissing sound, that’s just the ventilation system. Yeah. Bertha slithered up there about five years ago, and we haven’t been able to get her out. We’re not sure what she eats, exactly…”

“Well, the only real difference is that the Coriolis effect is a lot stronger in Accounting, which some people have trouble adjusting to.”

“No, unfortunately there isn’t really room in the budget for company cars, but the ostrich is domesticated and you only have to pay for the feed.”

“Our CEO has an open-door policy. His hallway, however, is longer than the diameter of the observable universe.”

“Your base pay will be twenty-five dollars an hour. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to tell you which hour.”

“We are aware that the commute is a bit of an inconvenience, but trust me when I say we picked the shortest wormhole we could find.”

“The tapeworm comes with the workstation. You can throw it away if you don’t need it, but if you want another one, you have to pay for it out-of-pocket.”


8 thoughts on “Things you don’t want to hear in a job interview.

    • That’s not horrible. It’s more entertaining than my last job interview, which consisted of the interviewer repeatedly telling me how unpleasant it was to work there and then making us do a survey in a supply closet full of obsolete printers and random boxes.

  1. Anirudh says:

    This is so funny. Some of these are horrifying though; I’ll be having bad job nightmares. Really entertaining though. I wanted to go up for this part time writing job and the interviewer asked me if I’d rather write an obituary or a eulogy. It was a creative writing job. I decided to give up the job.

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