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Things you don’t want to hear after brain surgery.

“Arnold Schwarzenegger can no longer use that quote from Kindergarten Cop on you.”

“Your skull appears to be filled entirely with superballs.”

“We opened your skull and found another, smaller head. We’re afraid to touch that one.”

“When we exposed the brain, it emitted a ticking sound and several of the nurses vomited.”

“The tumor contained more neurons than the brain, so we removed the brain.”

“You know when you go pick a strawberry fresh and you bite into it and it turns out there was a maggot living inside it? That’s the kind of afternoon I’ve had.”

“I’ve seen vibrators get lodged in some strange places, but…”

“I kept a piece for my trophy room.”

“You’ve actually only got one neuron, but it’s really big.”

“Your temporal lobe looked exactly like my mother. I was too creeped out to finish the surgery.”

“Your brain has a nose.”

“The tumor pulled the scalpel out of my hand and fired it at my assistant. I am classifying this tumor as ‘inoperable.'”

“Well, ants are known for their ability to build nests in hard-to-reach places.”

“Your left hemisphere is normal. Your right hemisphere appears to be a slab of smoked ham.”

“…and I thought ‘I’m really tired of waiting for the brain-computer interface people to get funding,’ so I decided it was time to be proactive…”

“Instead of neurons, you have tiny vacuum tubes.”

“When I reached in to feel the margins of the tumor, something bit me.”

“To answer your second question, I became a neurologist because it was the only way I could slice up peoples’ brains without going to jail.”

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