The metal container powered by the explosion of million-year-old liquefied algae which transports me over long distances (My car. Yes, I know I’m a smart-ass.) is a 2007 Toyota Yaris hatchback. It’s a decent enough car, I suppose. It looks about like this:
(Many thanks to the nice person on the Wikimedia Commons who put the photo in the public domain, since I lost the only good photo of my car before it got all scruffy.) According to its specifications, its engine can produce 106 horsepower (79 kilowatts), it weighs 2,326 pounds (meaning it masses 1,055 kilograms), and has a drag coefficient of 0.29 and a projected area of 1.96 square meters (I love the Internet). Those are all the numbers I need to calculate my car’s maximum theoretical speed. I’ll be doing this by equating the drag power on the car (from the formula (1/2) * (density air) * (velocity)^3 * (projected area) * (drag coefficient)) with the engine’s power. I will be slightly naughty by neglecting rolling resistance, which for my car, is usually negligible.
1. Maximum speed on Earth, at sea level: 135 MPH (217 km/h or 60.19 m/s). I may or may not have gotten it up to 105 MPH once, so this estimate seems about right. Worryingly, according to the spec sheet for my tires, they’re only rated up to 112 MPH…
2. Maximum speed on Mars: (Assuming I carry my own oxygen, both for me and for the engine.) 538 MPH (866 km/h, 240.50 m/s). I would break the speed record for a wheel-driven land vehicle (Donald Campbell in the BlueBird CN7) by over 100 MPH. And probably die in a rapid and spectacular fashion. But that’d be all right: I always wanted to be buried on Mars.
3. Maximum speed on Venus: (Assuming I avoid dying in burning, screaming, supercritical-carbon-dioxide-and-sulfuric-acid agony.) 36 MPH (58 km/h, 16.23 m/s). Unfortunately, the short-sighted manufacturers didn’t say whether my tires are resistant to quasi-liquid CO2 at 90 atmospheres. The bastards.
4. Maximum speed underwater: This is the one we’re all here for! Water is dense shit and puts up a lot of resistance, as anyone who ever tried running in a swimming pool can attest. Maximum speed: 15 MPH (23 km/h, 6.52 m/s). Wolfram Alpha tells me I’d only be driving half as fast as Usain Bolt can run. I shall withhold judgment until we clock Mr. Bolt’s hundred-meter seafloor sprint.
5. Maximum speed in an ocean of liquid mercury: (Assuming we filled my car with gold bricks to keep it from floating to the surface. Also, why is there an ocean of liquid mercury? That’s horrible.) Maximum speed: 6 MPH (10 km/h, 2.74 m/s). I can bicycle faster than that (although not in a sea of mercury, admittedly). Of course, mercury is so heavy that, even if our sea was only 5 meters deep, the pressure at the seafloor would be high enough to make my tires implode. Which would, of course, be the least of my problems.
6. And finally, just for fun, my maximum speed in neutronium. Neutronium is what you get when a star collapses and the pressures rise so high that all its atoms’ nuclei get shoved together into one gigantic pile of protons and neutrons. It’s just about the densest stuff you can get without forming a black hole, and my car could push me through it at a whole 0.1 microns per second, which is only fifty times slower than the swimming speed of an average bacterium.
I’ve now spent far too long imagining myself being crushed by horrible pressures. I need to go lie down and imagine myself being vaporized, to balance it out.
Sublime Curiosity 
I think I would rather stick with an airplane car myself! Funny blog.
Thank you!
Reblogged this on onishilz.
The gear ratios won’t let you go faster on Mars… They won’t be able to spin the tires fast enough. And on Venus or underwater you’d have to have a lot more torque to move anywhere. A Ram 2500 might get you somewhere, not for sure though.
That’s a good point about the gear ratios. I considered something like that briefly, but I didn’t want to bog down the whole thought experiment explaining it. The torque, however, I didn’t consider, but I think you’re absolutely right. Then again, if I’m already installing oxygen tanks and depleted-uranium ballasts in my car, why not slap in a turboshaft engine and a fifty-speed transmission? 😀
yeah I would use something like a 500hp electric motor or something crazy lol
Now that’s the kind of car I want. If you ever put your calculations into practice, let me know and I will be first in line to buy one!
I used to imagine that I had a flying / floating mattress when I was a kid going to sleep at night. Perhaps one day that too will be possible. Or maybe we will just content ourselves with a mattress in the back of our submarine cars, where we can sleep as we watch the fish swim by.
This is a good read. Hilariously written as you joke with yourself about being a wise-acre. Love it. Perfect balance of smarts and smart-ass.
Thanks for posting
lol cute post. i always want a spaceship van … 2010 + honda odyssey
Never thought about my car on these grounds.
Awesome. This is why we should sent all the Yaris vehicles to Mars.
The shipping’s gonna kill you, though…
Fascinating. I’m wondering if Leafly was used before or possibly during this intricate stream of consciousness…. 🙂
Well, if Leafly is what I think it is, then surprisingly not. I’m this weird at baseline XD
Haha love it
Aww that car is going to be super expensive
Especially if I have to fill it with gold/depleted uranium to make it sink…
😛
fun stats!
Reblogged this on joshylidavila95.
I super like that imagination. The idea i so fresh that anyone would laugh at first. But, if thought very well, “it’s worth more than a billion dollar” idea.
That would be quite cool.
GOOD
Reblogged this on couplesconsult.
Reblogged this on WHY? and commented:
Excellent! I was with you almost all the way. I think I got confused in the Liquid Mercury, but made it back for the end. I hope you don’t mind the reblog!
I don’t mind a bit! I’m flattered you find my ramblings worthy of attention 🙂
year so do i want a submarine car
Reblogged this on petrosintos and commented:
Eίναι καλό να βρίσκουμε νέες σελίδες και να διαβάζουμε τι γίνεται.
Ι like this text! It is good to know new things…
You had me at Mars…
Reblogged this on tylergwilsonwp and commented:
Interesting article
Thanks!
Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.
how about a submarine railway boat ,,,http://listamlet.com/news-articlestitbits-in-and-around-the-parish/#SUB
Reblogged this on Sachin Bahal.
Reblogged this on Ann'sRazzJazz.
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I like the idea but they would have to build a’lots of path under water for this to happen, i think that they should have underwater cars and flying cars, also planes would have to fly even higher.